I'm in an awful mood today.
I have to work for 14 hours tomorrow. Well, with breaks it's only 12, but that's still too many.
I feel like I'm fourteen again sometimes.
That's probably why I'm in such a mood.
Goodnight.
 

Everyone takes things literally. It makes me reluctant to converse with people, or write a status on facebook.

I've been excited to do something lately, problem is, I've nothing to do. I don't want to have to go to school for another billion years in order to be a productive member of society. I'm sick of this post-adolescent uselessness and I don't know what to do about it.

That said, I don't think it's necessary to be self actualized to be happy, but it is frustrating. But I still think I'm happy to some degree.

Okay, so because I haven't  declared a major yet, I feel like I have some freedom right now. So, Biology and secondary ed. (masters in secondary education. career: High School Biology Teacher) VS. Psychology (masters in social work. Career: Mental Health and Substance Abuse Social Worker)

The Pro List for Bio Teacher:
Low burnout rate
Familiar working environment
High Demand
Ability to have an impact
Oppertunity for advancement
Stability

The Con List:
I'm not sure how interested I am in biology
It might get boring after awhile
I'm not patient
I hate standardized testing
There's a lot of studying involved
I might have trouble controlling a class of 16 year olds


The Pro List for Mental Health etc. Social Worker
I like psychology
Fast growing field
Variation
I have an affinity for crazies
I think I'm better cut out for this

The Con list:
High burnout rate
Various unfamiliar work environments
I might have trouble controlling a room full of crack addicts
It doesn't pay much


I don't know!

Curiosity killed the goddamn cat, and I'm curious.
I hate making myself vulnerable.

We are all so passive. So well trained, so apathetic. We claim to care, about something, about anything. No one does. We are pawns. We are children easily pacified by materialistic things. We claim to want change, that we disagree. That children are fucking starving to death and I am comfortable in my bed with my laptop connected to the world. We are so scared, these things posses us, we do not posses them. We are defined by money, we fear poverty, instability. we stay quiet and obedient and afraid. We will never change anything. Nothing will ever change.

Sometimes I get attacks of creativity.
I have no space to dance, no room to sing, and i cannot write to save my life.

So here I sit, with energy coursing through my veins, making me anxious, making me real, making me crazy, and I have nothing.
No focus, no ambition, no art.

If anyone asks me again if art is nessicary, the answer will be yes.
I can't express myself via others anymore. I need something mine, something new, something big.

I need a project: A piece of choreography, a cause to rally behind, a character to develop.
I always say I need a something, but i am feeling that i will begin to disappear without it.
I am melting, failing, falling, and dying.
I sound like an Evanescence song. Kill me now.

Happiness is: getting hit in the face with chili pepper lights at dinner
and incoherent performances
and big questions with frozen yogurt.

Being sane seems to be being so apathetic to everything around you. To not react to the people on the train, or the street. Being concerned only with yourself, your bubble, being mildly amused by the mildly amusing. I think I am remembering how to live, and i cannot live and be sane, so i chose to live. The judgments of the jaded have no effect on me.
Care to join me?

Man, I wish someone had taught me how to conform.
I mean, obviously i am a product of my environment, but seriously... I do not know how to dress.

At an interview people judge you based on how you look (among other things) and you have to care what they think.
I don't know how to do this. I also lose any sense of my age whenever i walk into a mall. i don't understand it. it's crazy.
So in conclusion, i really need someone to tell me what to wear because i suck at being a girl.
The end.

http://www.newschannel9.com/news/police_967617___article.html/students_teacher.html

Half a class of third graders plotting to kill their teacher. Most doubt they actually would've gone through with it, (many doubt whether this is even a true story) but it illustrates how pervasive violence has become in our society. We have become saturated with acts of violence, ruled by fear, and unwilling to do anything but censor the media. Yes, it would be nice to have rappers be nonthreatening, but it takes away their creative license.
So here's a new proposal; teach nonviolence in schools.  What do you do when you have too much sugar in your lemonade? You add water. When you have a society like ours, you teach ethics and freethinking. Yes, it is hard for children to grasp abstract concepts, but it is possible to make certain aspects tangible, to teach guidelines for right and wrong.
I don't know. This is a branch off of my mother's idea, and i like it and would like to help her devolop it and ensure that god isn't brought into it.

I need a goal, I have spent too much time being a metaphysical vagabond. (does that phrase make sense?)

I might do a double major in biology and government then get my masters in education. This way I'll be able to teach something that genuinly interests me, and i will (hopefully) be able to lobby and work for reform of the education system.

In the meantime i will read what i can of the education theory books and get an idea of what wonderful solutions i can come up with.
or i'll just work and stare at my computer screen and sleep. something.

I suck at having livejournal, and therefore, i feel the need to change my username all the time. so there's that.